Fleeting feelings

It was only a matter of time before I would feel like blogging would be some kind of burden. I now that there is only so few that bother to read my words any more. But then at times I am astounded that someone new contacts me, saying kind things of my music, photography or just reminding me that I am not alone in this world.

The last time has been intensivly hard to handle. My lips pay service to the everyday routines, but my mind has been nowhere near fine. "Everybody got issues", someone might say, but for the first time I feel that that does not diminich my feelings, that I all my life had to struggle to stay on top. That I had to keep a fort to fend of people whose only intent was to hurt me. My doctor does not see past the fort, does not see beyond the wall. And right now I write, but I do not feel. I've shut of the worst parts of my hurt, because I can not work othervise. I do not want to, but it is nevertheless the current situation.

He told me that he had people who were worse off. Whose body language told him that they had serious problems, that he did not feel those things in contact with me. :( I smiled and replied in a casual manner. As always. Afterwards, I walked around like a zombie trying not to crash. And now, I write, but still cannot really grasp what happened. Other then that I will start taking anti-depressants.