Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The light at the end of the tunnel

The words of the now gone Gonzo-journalist Hunter S. Thompson came as a sort of revelation yesterday. In the novel and film "Fear and loathing in Las Vegas" the main character pauses to reflect over the 60's.

In the drug-induced state of mind that was Thompsons, he managed to see that part of the tragedy of the 60's generation was the hope that "somebody, somewhere is guarding the light at the end of the tunnel". Instead of the better world that was the dream of a generation, there came a tomorrow that was not better then that of the previous day. Thompsons thoughts made sense to me.

A couple of years ago I lived in a gay relationship where I was frequently abused. At the end of the day, I really wished that someone would come and rescue me. Rescue me from him, and rescue me from myself. That someone, not myself, would be my knight in shining armor. First I thought that HE was my knight. And that our meeting would reflect some sort of deeper meaning in my life. Instead, I was told that I was worthless, time and time again, after our sweet scented honey-moon months. I was even told that I should die.

What strike me today was that my sort of religious thinking was trapping me in a situation whish only made me worse. I thought that I had to stay, that there had to be a meaning to it all. That he needed me. That I had to sacrifice. For those who may hold a Christian outlook on things, this may make sense. I realize today that there is a disturbing potential of the religion that preaches the love of Christ to bottom out in emotional masochism. You sacrifice, not for the greater good, but because you think yourself worthless. You stay in your relationship because of feelings of guilt and get hurt in the process. Under the guise of love you get oppression.

"“So I am left to pick upp the little hints, the little symbols, of your devotion.

I feel your fist, and I know it is out of love.

And I feel the whip, and I know it is out of love.

And I feel your burning eyes, burning holes straight trough my heart.

And I know it is out of love."

- Anthony and the Johnsons

For me back then there was only the unbearable hell of everyday life. The light at the end of the tunnel soon became a black hole swallowing all my dignity and self-esteem. I was desperate to belive in something, and readily available to be abused if someone provided this.

Today I am a bit older. A bit less naive. I hurt, but I am alive. All of these thoughts and feelings, affected by my history, is something I try to reflect when I create music. Whether it is techno or acoustic music. It is all a reflection of who I am. With all the flaws that I have.

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